Ripples

Ever heard of the ripple effect? According to Dictionary.com it is “a spreading effect or series of consequences caused by a single action or event.”

When my husband died it set off a ripple effect that I could not have foreseen. It started with making decisions I felt ill equipped to make while dealing with overwhelming grief. First were our beloved animals. I had to make heartbreaking decisions about their fate. The weight and guilt of those decisions, though I know I made them with love and respect, still haunt me today.

The ripples spread wider when I made the decision to sell the home we had shared for 16 years. The place where we fought yet loved, where we made memories with our family, and where I thought we would grow old together. That would lead to yet more change when I left my job of 28 years and moved to be closer to my children. It meant leaving behind cherished friendships that I prayed would not be lost. I still struggle, even though I am learning to be more settled in a new home and job. I have trusted that this is where God wants me to be.

Being close to my son and daughter was the impetus for such a huge life decision but the ripple were about to become waves. When my son was in the army, lived far away and was deployed it was almost my undoing. I can’t explain the fear I felt as a mom but I was one of the lucky ones. My prayers were answered and he came home safe. Our relationship is one that others would be lucky to have.

My daughter recently shared with me that she is considering a move to another state. This could not have been the plan. For me to make such a lifechanging move only to have another child be far away. But my hopes for the future are not hers. Her future is ultimately her decision. I want her to be happy. It would be a lie to say that my prayer isn’t for her to stay close. It is also that I will have the grace to let her go.

I have given my children roots from which to grow strong.

Now I must give them wings to fly.